Saviors of Nothing

In a scathing review of last week’s mismanagement of the release of ten hostages from an upscale, downtown penthouse, Donald Hasketh, lead editor for The Coke Mirror, stated that a rabbid dingo would have handled the situation with more sensitivity.

Following the statement, representatives for the negotiating team responsible for the release got drunk in a pub around the corner from the offices of The Coke Mirror, waited for Donald and his boys to enter the establishment, and attempted to solicit them for a friendly game of darts. The exchange was caught on video, but, on the advice of attorney’s from both sides, will not be released to the public.

Following their return to freedom, a number of the hostages have been approached for comments on the traumatic experience. In a short interview, Neil Anpre, the fourth hostage to be released, expressed bitter disapproval concerning how the situation was handled. “I was very unhappy to have had the release negotiations so immediately successful, I almost had it all” he stated through tears. Apparently the hostages were repeatedly threatened with a good time and force-fed expensive, gourmet food and top-quality libations. Then they were all offered large contracts and long-term employment within the firm that had hired the kidnappers. Unfortunately for them their release was affected before any paperwork was signed and any deals made at the time are not legally binding. Because in this day and age, a handshake ain’t worth shit.

Jake Snakesworth, PR manager for the mayor’s office, has expressed concern for the victim’s and their families. “We wish them all the best following this harrowing ordeal, and sincerely hope nothing similar is ever allowed to happen in our fair city again” he commented in a public statement.

He was seen a few hours later, playing beer pong with a couple of high-end birthday clowns in an abandoned warehouse down at the docks. High as fuck. Or so sources claimed. Although they did see a mountain of what they assumed was cocaine, they did not actually witness Mr Snakesworth take any, either anally, or nasally. When one of the clowns began randomly firing a shotgun into the walls, the witnesses hastily departed, fearing for their lives.

Immediately following the release of the hostages, the negotiating team and the special forces unit assigned to the case were invited into the suites used in the incident, for dinner and drinks. They all accepted and were reported to have partied long into the night. It has been leaked that all of the food and all of the drink was consumed, the mess cleaned up respectfully and all of the recycling properly sorted. No clean-up costs will be shifted onto the bowed shoulders of the public due to the shindig.

Charges have not been pressed by either the hostages or members of local law enforcement. An anonymous special forces member assigned to the situation joked that the only charges that should be laid against the kidnappers are charges for being awesome. He then made devil horns with his right hand and said “Go Bears”. This reporter is inclined to agree. With both sentiments.

In a world where these kinds of things are increasingly common, one can’t help but wonder if they will find themselves in a similar situation. It is not overly likely, but certainly not impossible. We must take it upon ourselves to be on guard and aware at all times. And for God’s sake, have a reliable pen handy for signing any favourable documents in short order should you be offered the chance of a lifetime while temporarily incarcerated and plied with gourmet food and drink.

If there is one thing we have learned from this ordeal, it’s that you can’t trust your elected representatives to have your best interests at heart. So water down your morals and toughen those meat-hooks. When a golden opportunity offers itself up, sink your claws in and hang on with everything you have, before “the man” fucks it all up.

#GonzoJournalism #Funny #Ridiculous