A Different Window

It’s been awhile since anything new erupted from the tips of these fingers. All re-writing, editing and polishing of turds that have dropped over the many previous months. Angry, pessimistic bombs from the bowels of a poisoned mind. Shine up my raging misanthropy and ship it off to people that I hope aren’t sick of that kind of shit. But now I am.

A slow evolution out of the primordial ooze I’ve escaped from on more than one occasion before, only to slide back into when the weaker parts of my personality succumb to darkness. A shady soul perched on the precipice between light and dark has a much more difficult time falling into heaven than hell. Comfort zone and all that jazz. It’s less scary to confront the misery you know than face the possibility of alien happiness. Convince yourself that all the horrible things the devil on your shoulder whispers in your ear about the world are true, and forever dwell in familiar disappointment. A convenient excuse for avoiding people’s inherent brightness.

Not everyone is terrible, only the ones that are, and if you go out your door each day expecting to consistently cross paths with cretins, don’t be surprised if it happens. In my case, even with such a shitty attitude toward my fellow humanoids, I rarely find myself in situations where I am dealing with scum, much the opposite in fact. More often than not the people I encounter on a regular basis are a treat to be with, their glaring faults aside. What does that say about me then? The worst person I have to deal with on a daily basis is me. And I’m tired of him.

Sometimes all it takes is the slightest change in perspective, some new scenery, a different environment and new energy to free the parts of a soul that have been chained in the dungeon for so long that it comes as a surprise to find there still exists life in them. Thank you tenacious optimism for not giving up on me, though I have abused you more times than I can count. May I soon find the courage to put my life in your hands and never look back. Life could be everything I ever dreamed it would when my innocence wasn’t too embarrassed to admit that my goals were so big I would have to grow into a king to achieve them. A benevolent sovereign, and not the cancerous despot of a grey and withered wasteland that my mind has so often become.

Now strength, now courage; courage to stop choosing fodder for later excuses, to stop joining the cycle of familiarity that affirms poor opinions cultivated against the many, based on the few who offer no inspiration for changing such opinions. Recognize and admit that such things are the responsibility of whoever consents to play that game, not the unaware targets of misdirected judgement. Alter your focus and revel in the wonder of a reality that has existed right on front of you. Life is the sum of what you choose to direct your attention to, not some arbitrary punishment for those with bad luck. Quit whining and start living!

Wise sounding words from a brain that has done anything but. There have been hard-earned glimpses into a realm I think I want to exist in, it looks grand. Not too sure what it is that repeatedly scares me off. Maybe I am still too unaware of myself to put my finger on what personality tweaks might lead to that promised land. It’s a work in progress. May I find a path that leads me in that direction before the crushing weight of depression, fear and pessimism rear up out of grey, rain-soaked struggle and poverty, to fatally extinguish what’s left of my spark.

Another chance for change appears out of a place unexpected, a quick hello morphs into more than I could have imagined, contentment and care threatening to soften the hardness of my ragged heart. On all fronts, faces of strangers emitting the sentiments of friends. Where have these kind souls been all my life? Right here, in the places I took for granted as being unworthy, something my jaded assumptions had painted over with a brush nothing could shine through. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me thousands of times and the situation becomes so ludicrous even I can’t be bothered to care.

Well what now? All of the freebies in life were long ago exhausted and the pain of paying the price for poor decisions has become exhausting to the point of permanent surrender. No longer can these faithful feet propel me along a path that has proven only to produce regret. Break down and break through to something completely different. I will now trade the illusion of having control over my own sad destiny for the alternative of uncontrolled joy and success. Step out of the way of myself and let the real me lead us to a place of peace and pleasure. Be sensible enough to relinquish command until I can see the city spires of this promised land rising out of the desert dust. And then not even the dumbest part of me can bungle the few remaining miles. Please.

Through everything though, I can not say I have ever given up. The relentless drive to find better, to be more, to have everything I have ever wanted, has not died. Sputtered and faded for certain, but never completely abandoned me, not even in my very darkest moments. And now it’s my turn to reward that faith in myself by becoming all that I need t become in order to find gold at the end of the rainbow. A few more pushes up the mountain, just around a couple more bends and the road has to open up and reveal paradise. Just. Keep. Moving.

#Hope #Change #Opinion #Perspective